Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The one with jokes...if easily offended...dont bother reading


Winners of Jason Byrne tickets
As the festive season approaches please remember that a doggie isn t just for christmas........ it s a fuckin good position all year round! !

A man says to his wife get ready, you, me & the dog are going fishing. Wife says I don't want 2 go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, blow job or take itup the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she says this tastes like shit. Man says I know the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
A small selection of others from the truck loads of entries. Unfortunately the way our text machine formats certain texts, I cant just copy and paste them.

Theses this man who drinks beer at a local every night. One night he came in and had nothing to drink. The barman was curious and asked him why he was ntdrinking. The man replied i dont drink anymore last night i blew chunks. Oh thats nothing the bar man replies everyone gets a little pick after drinkingat times. No no the man replies you dont understand chunks is my dog.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree.......hold onto your nuts this aint no ordinary blowjob

Woman goes 2 hospital for a fanny tuck . Next day in recovery cards arrive .1st card from the kids wishin her well. 2nd from the hubby givin her his undyin love . Last card from johnny in the burns ward and reads thanks 4 the new ears

A teacher asks her pupils if any of them knew how god takes people to heaven. 1st boy says by the hands miss , 2nd boy says no miss it s by the sholders . 3rd lad says it s by the legs miss and i have proof cause last night i was passin me ma s room nd she had her legs in the air screamin, oh god, i m coming jesus, and sur only for me da being on top of her to hold her down she d be gone.

A priest kept chickens at his village parish, one evening the cock went missing. At mass the priest asked "who has a cock?" all the men got up. "no i meant who has seen a cock" all the women got up."no no who has seen a cock that isnt their s" half the women got up. "oh for goodness sake who s seen my cock? All the choir boys got up !

Definition of alchol free beer= its like goin down on ur sister - tasts the same but u know its just not right

A cat falls in a pool a rooster laughs.moral of the story:a wet pussy makes a cock feel good.

Snow White has been chucked out of Disneyland. She was reported to have pulled up her skirt, sat on pinochio s face and shouted, lie bastard lie.

A willy says 2 his testicles,rite lads get ready an ill take u out 4 a party,da testicles replay"no way,u always go n nd we r left outside knocking

A woman asks her farmer husband for new shoes, ' your not getting them he tells her'lying in bed that nite he puts his hand on her fanny,.. she shoveshis hand away and replies, ' if you cant shoe the horse, your not fucking riding it'

Man & wife in bed & he farts and shouts "GOAL!" Then his wife farts and says "1 all", he then makes it 2-1 she then makes it 2-2, he then proceeds to squeeze a last one out & shits the bed! His wife says "what the hell was that?" the man replies "half time - swap sides!"

The best engine in the world is the fanny. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger and every 4 weeks does it s own oil change....... It s just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental !!!

Think ur having a Bad Day? Imagine this: Ur a siamese twin joined @ the hip. Ur brother is gay & ur not.His lover is coming over & u only have one arse.

Two residents in a retirement home had the hots for eachother and decided to go further. The old lady asks so what s your favorite? oral said the oldman. So the lady told the man to go first. The old man enthusiastically goes down and up quickly. that was horrible, he exclaimed. The old woman appoligised sorry. I have arthris . you can t get arthris down there! sed the old man. no giggled the old lady, i ve got it in my arms so i can t wipe myarse!

I've decided 2 buy a race horse & call it MY FACE. Just imagine it coming down the home straight & all the ladies shouting come on MY FACE.... From daniel

The one with Polar bears.....drowning..maybe

I've always believed in being upfront and honest on the radio. Audiences are more clever than you think and can hear through bullshit a mile off. Last night, I gave my humble opinion on global warming. It recieved a huge response with alot of people saying I was right.

We have, like most of you, recycling wheelie bin as well as a normal waste bin. I recycle as much rubbish as possible but from time to time, something that should end up in the recycling bin will end up in the waste bin. It probably would end up in the recycling if I could be bothered washing whatever it is out. The TV is always on standby. The computer is always on. Phone chargers are nearly always left on. The fridge door is left open until it starts beeping, and then its left to beep. Its too much effort to open and close it every 10 seconds when your unloading aload of shopping. Its not too much effort to plug the tv out, but I dont like doing that. Same with the computers, xbox and various other electrical items. At the same time I do my bit, which is where the recycling comes in. Alot of people say they do their bit, but dont actually know what they've done. I'd be one of those. And to be honest, I dont really care.

As one texter last night pointed out, saying I hit the nail on the head and we all do our bit. But do we actually care? Personally, Im not too bothered. It'll be or kids problems or there kids problem! I plan on having brainy kids (looks like Im making a good start). I'll be long gone. Does anybody think that 50 years ago they were worried about what the future would hold for peoples kids. Did they shit! They were too busy building nukes, microwaves and flying cars. So, we've all had to deal with whatever kinda crap has emerged from the last few generations and the next batch of kids will have to do the same. There is a huge amount of people on the planet doing their bit and its making little difference. Maybe the whole thing, as many have said is a natural occurence.

I wont be shedding any tears for a polar bear that has to swim and extra hour to get a feed. I mean, have people seen the traffic these days going into drive thrus. Exactly! The polar bears will have to suck it up!!!!! Saving the enviornment has never and will never be at the top of my thoughts. That might seem sad to some, but as mentioned we have a recycling bin, which gets collected every fortnight full of lovely pieces of cardboard and other delights. So thats my take on the whole thing. Im not too bothered.

No doubt if in a few years time, if theres 20 feet of water outside the front door and a few hungry polar bears, I'll do the honorable thing. I'll shoot one and feed it to the others. Then when they have that one eat and are hurling themselves through the windows, in a double glazing breaking hungerours rage, Ill start plugging out the TV.