The one with jokes...if easily offended...dont bother reading

HEAD UP - SOME OF THE FOLLOWING, IF NOT ALL WILL MAKE ALOT OF YOU LAUGH. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED THEN...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

Winners of Jason Byrne tickets
---
As the festive season approaches please remember that a doggie isn t just for christmas........ it s a fuckin good position all year round! !

A man says to his wife get ready, you, me & the dog are going fishing. Wife says I don't want 2 go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, blow job or take itup the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she says this tastes like shit. Man says I know the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
----
A small selection of others from the truck loads of entries. Unfortunately the way our text machine formats certain texts, I cant just copy and paste them.

Theses this man who drinks beer at a local every night. One night he came in and had nothing to drink. The barman was curious and asked him why he was ntdrinking. The man replied i dont drink anymore last night i blew chunks. Oh thats nothing the bar man replies everyone gets a little pick after drinkingat times. No no the man replies you dont understand chunks is my dog.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree.......hold onto your nuts this aint no ordinary blowjob

Woman goes 2 hospital for a fanny tuck . Next day in recovery cards arrive .1st card from the kids wishin her well. 2nd from the hubby givin her his undyin love . Last card from johnny in the burns ward and reads thanks 4 the new ears

A teacher asks her pupils if any of them knew how god takes people to heaven. 1st boy says by the hands miss , 2nd boy says no miss it s by the sholders . 3rd lad says it s by the legs miss and i have proof cause last night i was passin me ma s room nd she had her legs in the air screamin, oh god, i m coming jesus, and sur only for me da being on top of her to hold her down she d be gone.

A priest kept chickens at his village parish, one evening the cock went missing. At mass the priest asked "who has a cock?" all the men got up. "no i meant who has seen a cock" all the women got up."no no who has seen a cock that isnt their s" half the women got up. "oh for goodness sake who s seen my cock? All the choir boys got up !

Definition of alchol free beer= its like goin down on ur sister - tasts the same but u know its just not right

A cat falls in a pool a rooster laughs.moral of the story:a wet pussy makes a cock feel good.

Snow White has been chucked out of Disneyland. She was reported to have pulled up her skirt, sat on pinochio s face and shouted, lie bastard lie.

A willy says 2 his testicles,rite lads get ready an ill take u out 4 a party,da testicles replay"no way,u always go n nd we r left outside knocking

A woman asks her farmer husband for new shoes, ' your not getting them he tells her'lying in bed that nite he puts his hand on her fanny,.. she shoveshis hand away and replies, ' if you cant shoe the horse, your not fucking riding it'

Man & wife in bed & he farts and shouts "GOAL!" Then his wife farts and says "1 all", he then makes it 2-1 she then makes it 2-2, he then proceeds to squeeze a last one out & shits the bed! His wife says "what the hell was that?" the man replies "half time - swap sides!"

The best engine in the world is the fanny. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger and every 4 weeks does it s own oil change....... It s just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental !!!

Think ur having a Bad Day? Imagine this: Ur a siamese twin joined @ the hip. Ur brother is gay & ur not.His lover is coming over & u only have one arse.

Two residents in a retirement home had the hots for eachother and decided to go further. The old lady asks so what s your favorite? oral said the oldman. So the lady told the man to go first. The old man enthusiastically goes down and up quickly. that was horrible, he exclaimed. The old woman appoligised sorry. I have arthris . you can t get arthris down there! sed the old man. no giggled the old lady, i ve got it in my arms so i can t wipe myarse!

I've decided 2 buy a race horse & call it MY FACE. Just imagine it coming down the home straight & all the ladies shouting come on MY FACE.... From daniel