I’m usually not one for complaining about the weather, bar the occasional “tis hot” or “tis miserable” comment. But the last few weeks have driven me bonkers. Without sounding like I’m 100, I really need to cut the grass. But as anybody who lives in a house the joys of having mortgages and so on) with a garden, then you’ll know that rain+grass=more fuckin grass! At this point, while the garden isnt looking like the plains of the Serengeti, I’d rather prefer if people didn’t come knocking at the door looking for the Lemur enclosure. The rate the grass is growing, I’m pretty convinced there's some kind of steroid in the rain.
And speaking of the rain, in this county we get rain that has an eating disorder. Anytime I’m out I seem to get soaked in anorexic rain. You know the rain that is almost molecular in size? Yeah, that one! Gone are the days of big, fat, morbidly obese rain. Remember that? At least you know it was raining then.
And then every asshole in who has a driving licence (theoretically anyway) seems to get behind the wheel of a car in the rain. Indicators flash left, car goes right. Lanes? They mustn't be able to see them with all the rain! Seen a guy yesterday evening (in a jeep no less) driving like he was in a field. But, no doubt, it was the rain that made him do it!
And its August!!!! Well technically more September…almost. Where was the summer? In other countries no doubt. Only for I was in Dubai over the summer, I would nearly have gone to Santa Ponsa to see a drop of sun. I would have tolerated the GAA jersey clad hoodlums and their skanky oul dolls. Actually what am I saying? Hence the word nearly a few lines up!
And (we is all up with the ands this morning) whats with all the psychics around at the moment? I thought the psychic on the show and the few premium rate psychics around the place were the only ones in Cork. Nah biy! Everyone these days is Psychic. “Oh twill be a scorcher in September!” In the words of Ricky Tomlinson “MY ARSE”. That said, if it is a scorcher, then fair play to them, and I retract the above comment.
And finally (thank fuck) what's the story with all this global warming? Aren't we supposed to lose inches off our coastlines? Aren’t we supposed to be experiencing skin melting sunshine? Maybe there's not enough polar bears dying? Time to leave on all the lights in the house, the tv will now never leave standby and the fridge door will be left open all the time!
And……….on a quick final note (and yes I know I said the last paragraph was the final one, but blame the rain), if you are one of the true friends of the planet, then don't bother leaving a comment about how its terrible about the polar bears dying and so on. Until they start smashing in my windows and chewing on my ankles, I’m not that concerned. Maybe I would be If I could cut my fuckin grass!