The one with testicles

Its funny how you forget things if they haven’t happened to you in an incredibly long time. Yesterday, my right testicle was involved in an incredible collision with one of the dogs toys.

Recently, we bought 2 new toys for the dogs, and one of these was a fluffy duck. And for some reason unbeknownst to everyone except the manufacturer, they had stuck a giant, hard ball inside the duck. I suppose in a way, that's hugely beneficial to the dogs and it means the toy isn’t eaten in a matter of seconds.

And whilst lounging on the couch in the kitchen yesterday, my new wife decided it would be hilarious to throw the aforementioned toy at yours truly. Like a scene out of the Matrix, time slowed down as I witnessed this flying, furry duck hurtling towards me. It shot past the fridge, over a table and unlike Neo, I was unable to get out of the way. And then the collision with my right testicle happened. First there was nothing, but in the half blink of an eye the pain erupted. Like a dormant volcano, I hadn’t felt pain like this since primary school, which was around the last time I got a belt into the baby factory. Like a big sack of spuds, I collapsed off the couch onto the ground, holding the baby factory, drooling and screaming like something out of Patrick St. on a Saturday night.

The wife couldn’t stop laughing and the dogs started lapping up my pain infused drool which was exiting my mouth like ping pong balls in a dodgy thai “adult” show. I remained on the ground for some time, before I managed to crawl back onto the couch. Then the “I never hit you there” started. And after some convincing which incorporated many fine expletives, the wife decided to apologise. Words of “Kiss it better” fell on deaf ears though! So if you think your having a bad day, try being my right testicle!