Thursday, September 06, 2007

The one about size

Some of the following may be of an explicit nature and if your easily offended go back to the porn site you were looking at before here. Then again, it may not be. Im not sure as I havent written it yet.

Tuesday night there was a little (Here we go!) debate raging regarding the size of the male baby making machine. 67% of listeners voted in our text poll, stating size does indeed matter. Some callers even pointing out that the bigger the better. Which is all well and good, but how many of you out there fancy falling on something similar to an ESB pole. Maybe some do, but c'mon it cant be much fun if its tickling your lungs now, can it? Ever since men have been wandering around a prehistoric pana, they've been concerned about the size of their club, go with me on this one, who knows what they called it back then. In my humble opinion, the people who they are showing it to, be it male or female, are they issue. Most relationships start off in a nightclub. Then there's the obligatory trip to the cinema, which also involves meeting up outside Virgin or Argos. A few days later, plenty of fumbling goes on and then drinks. Its over the drinks that problems can start for the male. Most conversations go like this....

Male: "So, ah, fuck it, that was a fairly decent shag last night wasn't it?"
Female: "Oh yeah, twas amazing"

Man now thinks that his 90 seconds of shaking his arse on top of woman is the equivalent of Alexander the great thundering around Europe conquering as he went. So, the conversation continues...

M: "Really"
F: "Oh yeah"

Like an F-14 attempting to land on an aircraft carrier, he now gets the go ahead to lower the landing gear and touch down hoping to catch the wire that stops him from crashing into the ocean...

M:" So, I hope Im not too big for ya or anything" Laughs....
F: "Oh not at all"
M: "So how do I compare to.....ah...ya know...yer ex's like"
F: "Oh brilliant, way better"

Man now feels if Alexander the great crashed through the window on an elephant, he'd get up and kill the elephant with his bare hands and the continue to kick seven shades of shit out of Alexander.

M: "Yeah, yeah, but am I"
F: "Oh yeah, huge"

Man goes to bar, orders more drink before trudging off to the jacks and talking to himself in the mirror, convincing himself that he's got a career in porn. While this is going on, theres a furious amount of texting going on in the female front.

Beep Beep: Hey girl, whats happnin
Not much, out with the fella I met last week

Beep Beep: So whats he like
Grand like, not a bother really

Beep Beep: So whats he really like, is he hung?
Stop it will ya

Beep Beep: Go on, whats it like
Dont talk to me will ya, its like a HB pencil after being broken in half

Beep Beep: Fuck sake girl, g'rid of him
Tell me about it!

Thats the problem right there. Men are being constantly told that their "lad" is gigantic and the best thing ever. The on occasion someone tells them its not, or more often than not they have to use a tweezers to get it out to go for a wee, and they know its tiny. Thats what causes insecurity amongst the men. For feck sake ladies and the gay readers stop telling the men of the world that their love truncheons are amazing, if there actually not!

In light of this argument going on air another one has come out of it. With many emailers, callers and texters giving out about the size of woman and their caverns of love. Too big, too small etc.etc. How many of the ladies out there have a complex about that. Watch this space!

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