The one about Flat Pack Furniture - Bastard!!!!

When one buys a house, there is always immense panic to do the whole thing up in the quickest time possible. Its scenarios like this that lead to demented colors, couches and the obligatory 15 candles in each room being purchased. First and foremost, candles are so 2001. Secondly, I did not adopt this attitude with one of our bedrooms. 3 years later we finally got around to sorting it out, last weekend. Its a minimal room, no clutter, just a wardrobe, a bed and 2 lockers. Oh yeah, theres carpet and paint in it as well. Upon ordering said furniture, we were told it would take up to a month. A month, for 4 items. Its not as if wardrobe was made from ivory and we were waiting on a few poachers to gun down a herd of elephants, or anything. So, true to their word, all furniture arrived last Friday. A mass selection of boxes were promptly dropped in my hall and with a quick "Sign there bud will ya" the delivery men were gone. Not even an offer of "Where dya want it...bud?". I suppose my lack of tea and biscuit offerings prompted them to make a hasty exit, either that or it must have been an insurance issue.

My Dad had been forewarned of the impending delivery and as Dads do, offered to help out. I'm sure now, he's regretting it! He arrived around 3.30 and we set to work. It took 40 minutes to get the drawer slider things attached to one of the wardrobe panels. Not because we were awkward or anything, but the bastard in the manufacturing hut decided to delicately mark out where they were supposed to go. What I should have typed in place of delicately, was invisible to the naked eye. Between the gigs and the reels and six odd hours of grunting, swearing and t-shirt changes we managed to get the wardrobe and the bed together. In a nutshell, the instructions were straight forward, but an entire lack of part labeling meant a lot of our time was spent starting at vast amounts of cheap wood, looking for holes that just weren't there.

I headed off for Club Light around 10.20 and returned home exhausted, around 3.20am. Staring at the room and the unmade bed drawers, the sweltering heat and a manly selection of tools, I stripped off. Now ladies and gay men, settle down. I stayed in the oul boxers and went to work on getting the drawers made up. Near nude DIY isn't half as bad as it sounds. Just be careful of the screwdrivers and sharp objects, and remember the elastic part of your jocks is not a tool belt, where you can stuff things like Stanley knives.

Photographers impression of Vic working late into the night

On a final note, heres a piece of advice for any budding entrepreneurs. Start up a business that goes around assembling flat pack furniture for people! Charge a reasonable rate and your off. I'm not saying that I would use such a service as I quite enjoy late night, near nude flat pack assembly sessions!

Finally (again) all flat pack furniture should be stuffed into a rocket and launched off into space. As for the manufactures who cant be arsed labeling it properly and leaving near invisible markings, you should all be shot!