Time Off

Righto, Im not gonna be on the air tonight or Sunday night, my loving producer will be stepping up to the thing that we talk into. Im heading out west for a few days to get facials and massages. Well...........not really, but I am heading out west, for a well deserved break (!).

If Im not back on the air on Monday night, Ive been run over by a pony and chariot!

Another Top 5 update and thats it really. Still feel like absolute crap, the only time it seems to disappear is when I go on air. Got to see Closer over the weekend, not a bad movie but then again not amazing either. Granted, Natalie Portman prances around in next to nothing for some of it.

Another problem I seem to be having (yes the list is endless) is that I cant seem to find a bloody diary anywhere. So if anyone knows where in Cork, drop me a mail.

Overs and Outers!

Top 5 update

Late N Live Top 5 signs you have a bad accountant (14/3/05)

5 – When you ask about how much tax youll be paying he just laughs and hands you his bill

4 – Keeps insisting that a nine is the same as a six ,only its upside down

3 – Hes supposes to be a member of the chartered accounts but the closet he could get is chartered planes for accountants

2 – When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?"


1 – The calculator hes been using is actually a remote control for the TV

Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear in an expensive restaurant (15/3/05)

5 – Can I recommend one of our low-fat salads, Tubby?

4 – We’re legally obliged to tell you not to eat the oysters

3 – Sir, the chef would like to inform you that he has not sneezed in your meal, he might have done other things, but he hasn’t sneezed in it

2 – Oh for Christs sake, how hard is it to kill a cow

1 – Im sorry Sir, the restaurant is just closed. The tainiaste has just left

Late N Live Top 5 punchlines to dirty irish jokes (16/3/05)

5 – So he asked for a sheep and a pair of wellies

4 – Keep looking -- I know there's a shamrock in there somewhere.

3 – That's not the Blarney Stone, but don't stop kissing it

2 – Its not lord of the dance, its lord of my pants

1 – Here's one snake St. Patrick didn't chase out of Ireland

Late N Live Top 5 things overheard during the cork st.patricks day celebrations (17/03/05)

5 – So whered you get the ride me Im irish t-shirt

4 – Puke sound effects…..

3 – That’s great, I haven’t seen any drunk teenagers in oh about 6 minutes

2 – I cant remember the last time I saw so many people on Patrick Street without knives and glass bottles

1 – Look at the size of that float, it’s as big as the tanaiste…oh hang on it is the tanaiste

Late N Live Top 5 signs your watching a bad Disney movie (22/3/05)

5 – The little mermaid

4 – You keep thinking to yourself “Did Minnie get implants”

3 – Theres pop ups in the latest computer animated movie

2 – Mickey Shouts “Oh my God they killed Goofy”

1 – Theres about 5 or 6 dalmations…tops

Late N Live Top 5 signs your top 5 list is crap (22/3/05)

5 – Number 5 is never really funny

4 – Two of the jokes are the same

3 – This one can be funny on occasion, but not tonight

2 – Two of the jokes are the same

1 – Its called Top 5 signs your Top 5 list is crap

Late N Live Top 5 things overheard at the Michael Jackson trial today (23/03/05)

5 – Yod think hed leave that damn monkey at home, its after biting 3 people

4 – So he came in pajamas the other day, now he arrives wearing a tutu

3 – Support the Michael Jackson legal fund, get your kids photo with Michael only 30 dollars

2 – He seems to be feeling a lot better, hang on get the kid away from him

1 – I came all this way to see Michael Jackson and all I got was Diana Ross

Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear from someone selling easter eggs (24/3/05)

5 – Sure why would I sell ya hot cross buns, you got your own

4 – We assure you that the chickens have been removed from all of the eggs

3 – Ya I know, the box is broke, its out of date..but cmon its still choclate

2 – Sorry sold out love, we just shipped off all our stock for some kids party at the neverland ranch

1 – I swear, the easter bunny laid them

Late N Live Top 5 Lifeguard pick up lines (28/3/05)

5 – Im certified me as a fully trained love machine

4 – I used be a stunt double for David Hasselhoff

3 – Cellulite, doesn’t bother me

2 – Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look coughing seawater out of your lungs?

1 – Its not just the Surf that’s up

Top 5 update

Late N Live Top 5 signs you have a bad accountant (14/3/05)

5 – When you ask about how much tax youll be paying he just laughs and hands you his bill

4 – Keeps insisting that a nine is the same as a six ,only its upside down

3 – Hes supposes to be a member of the chartered accounts but the closet he could get is chartered planes for accountants

2 – When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?"

1 – The calculator hes been using is actually a remote control for the TV

Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear in an expensive restaurant (15/3/05)

5 – Can I recommend one of our low-fat salads, Tubby?

4 – We’re legally obliged to tell you not to eat the oysters

3 – Sir, the chef would like to inform you that he has not sneezed in your meal, he might have done other things, but he hasn’t sneezed in it

2 – Oh for Christs sake, how hard is it to kill a cow

1 – Im sorry Sir, the restaurant is just closed. The tainiaste has just left

Late N Live Top 5 punchlines to dirty irish jokes (16/3/05)

5 – So he asked for a sheep and a pair of wellies

4 – Keep looking -- I know there's a shamrock in there somewhere.

3 – That's not the Blarney Stone, but don't stop kissing it

2 – Its not lord of the dance, its lord of my pants

1 – Here's one snake St. Patrick didn't chase out of Ireland

Late N Live Top 5 things overheard during the cork st.patricks day celebrations (17/03/05)

5 – So whered you get the ride me Im irish t-shirt

4 – Puke sound effects…..

3 – That’s great, I haven’t seen any drunk teenagers in oh about 6 minutes

2 – I cant remember the last time I saw so many people on Patrick Street without knives and glass bottles

1 – Look at the size of that float, it’s as big as the tanaiste…oh hang on it is the tanaiste

Late N Live Top 5 signs your top 5 list is crap (22/3/05)

5 – Number 5 is never really funny

4 – Two of the jokes are the same

3 – This one can be funny on occasion, but not tonight

2 – Two of the jokes are the same

1 – Its called Top 5 signs your Top 5 list is crap

Happy St.Patricks Day

Yes, have a good ol St.Paddys day no matter where you are. No doubt it will involve keg loads of booze, but not for me. Ill be slaving and entertaining later on, as we dont take a night off for paddys day.

The Hypnotist, Paul Dee was with me last night on the show. All I can say is it gets better each time. Man with talking willy, man gives birth to baby, need I go on. I dont, thanks very much. Look out for it in rewinds and various other bits.

Anyway Im going back to my Densha de go on my PSP. Laters

Well no mail yesterday, and it seems to be late today. The problems I have to deal with. Our Monday night Psychic segment is more popular than ever, and Im finding we just dont have enough time to squeez in as many people as Id like, but such is life. To think I was contemplating cancelling the feature :(

Wednesday night sees Paul Dee (pauldee.com) the Hypnotist returning to the show. Anytime we have Paul on its great craic so Im looking forward to that, and thats that as they say.

Hopefully I wont be leaving this go a month or longer before I update it again. Im not even sure how many people read these things, but just in case ;)

Things have been busy, busy, busy over the last few weeks. The new ratings book came out and Im up, and well up. So Im a happy camper then, although they'll be no sitting on laurels or arses. Onwards and upwards!!!!! I dont know why, but I bought a Sony PSP. Great yoke altogether and as I write this Im waiting for another game to arrive. The post person is outside now so hang on a minute. Ill check back tomorrow!

Big Bloody Top 5 Update

Late N Live Top 5 thing you don’t want to hear from a Guard (3/2/05)

5 – The last time I saw someone go that fast I was on the vice squad

4 – Sorry you couldn’t drive by again could ya, I got mixed up with me hairdryer

3 – My name is Jon and this is my partner Ponch

2 – Last wan to the next set of lights eats rotten cabbage

1 – How about you pull me over





Late N Live Top 5 signs your not getting on with your collegues (7/2/05)

5 – Simple ,you own your own company but don’t have any employees

4 – You prefer to drink out of everyone elses mug except your own

3 – Things have never been the same since that incident involving Sheila from accounts, you and a pair of rubber gloves

2 – Not even the gay guy would give you some love at the last work party

1 – If somebody dies in the job your not invited to the funeral





Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear from someone making pancakes (8/2/05)

5 – What dya mean pancakes I thought you were after making a pizza

4 – Don’t mind me im only squeezing the juice onto it

3 – You bring new meaning to the saying, flat as a pancake

2 – We could think of nothing for number 2

1 – Any chance youd give me a hand to toss it






Late N Live Top 5 things you learn by being sick (10/2/05)

5 – You’ve perfected the gag reflex

4 – The internet is rubbish

3 – Day time TV sucks

2 – When you go, you really go

1 – You know how it feels to be a supermodel every morning







Late N Live Top 5 signs you had a bad Valentines day (15/2/05)

5 – You were single!

4 – You got a nice furry bear, granted it was in a gay bar

3 – The only valentines card you got was taken back after the postman delievered it to the wrong address

2 – You came home wearing a pair of knickers that read “Property of Mount Joy”

1 – You get a phone call wondering where one can purchase a pregnancy kit




Late N Live Top 5 signs that you are in a bad relationship (16/3/05)

5 – You got a mass card instead of a valentines card

4 – Your partner thinks batter burgers are for battering you across the head

3 – When you ask is my dinner ready, you get the reply “Yes it is, don’t mind those tablet looking peas, they’re good for ya”

2 – You share the same prison cell

1 – Your husband comes home with a new dress for you and another one for himself





Late N Live Top 5 things that Anne Doyle would never say on the news (17/2/05)

5 – That’s the news, Ill be hear tomorrow if I can be bothered

4 – Honey Ill be home soon, warm up the bed

3 – That Sky news Ireland crowd can Bite me

2 – Good Evening, this is the six one news, ah feck it I cant be bothered

1 – I made that last story up





Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear in the office on a Monday morning (21/2/05)

5 – Is that vodka in the water cooler

4 – Line up, line up…its P45 time, whos first

3 – The manager wont be in today because hes dead, tomorrow is a day off for the funeral

2 – You don’t want to hear anything really, you just want to go back to sleep at your desk

1 – How many times have we told you, stop photocopying your ass on the weekend





Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear in a beauty saloon (22/2/05)

5 – Ohh, a lock of your hair! I'll treasure it forever

4 – Ill just check to see if we can actually wax your ears

3 – Glad to see you got that lice condition sorted out

2 –It's been three whole days since one of our customers got their ear clipped of

1 – I used to have skin like that too…when I was a man




Late N Live Top 5 signs that the internet is having an effect on your relationship (23/2/05)

5 – Your partner has bought a digital camera and wants you to star in his own website!!!!

4 – When you say something funny, he gets a pen and paper and rights LOL

3 – The only way you can get some loving is by asking him to download on you!

2 – Hes getting surgery so his face can look more like one of them smiley faces

1 – There nothing you can do to get rid of them damn popups





Late N Live Top 5 things over heard at the Meteors (24/2/05)

5 – Oh no, a free 085 phone

4 –It aint no grammys now is it

3 – Best Irish Radio Dj, seems to be missing someone

2 – Im looking at the nominees here and is that a misprint, Brian McFadden is in for best irish male

1 – Is Snoops dressing room on fire cos there sure is a lot of smoke coming out of it





Late N Live Top 5 good things about winning an Oscar (28/2/05)

5 – There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you

4 – You can drill a hole in the head of the statue and use it as a salt shaker

3 – You wont be appearing on this talk show!

2 – You can prove your acting skills all over again when you go to accept!

1 – Your career will go down the same road as Halle Berry after she won an Oscar




Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear from a guy in a hotel (1/3/05)

5 – Are you the langer that took the gin from my minibar

4 – Got room for two more?

3 – I stayed in that room last week and they still haven’t changed the sheets

2 – If you want room service press 1, if you want a hooker press 2

1 – Wanna see the pictures I took of you sleeping






Late N Live Top 5 signs your drinking too much coffee (3/3/05)

5 – When someone asks if you want a de caf you threaten to kill their family

4 – To be honest this one was about going for a wee but we cant say it on radio

3 – You take the word agitated and give it a whole new meaning

2 – Last time you got a good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin

1 – You're up to four heart attacks a day





Late N Live Top 5 things you don’t want to hear from someone in a clothes shop (7/3/05)

5 – Size 18, really, are you sure, id swear your bigger than that

4 – We can assure you that the hidden cameras in the changing rooms are for security purposes

3 – Yup, those jocks have great powers of absorption

2 – Mmmmmm sound effect

1 – Do you need a hand to pull it off?





Late N Live Top 5 signs that your computer is on its last legs (8/3/05)

5 – Everytime you shut it down it pops up a message reading I might not be here tomorrow

4 – To say your computer has legs is a feat in itself!

3 – Viruses don’t bother to stop by anymore

2 – Your name is Michael Jackson

1 – Paris Hilton movie seems to be running in slow motion






Late N Live Top 5 circus clown pick up lines (9/3/05)

5 – You know what they say about guys with big shoes

4 – You’ve just been to the greatest show on earth, wanna be in the second greatest show on earth

3 – See the elephants trunk, remind you of anything?

2 – How'd you like to see the big top

1 – Its not only my nose that honks






Late N Live Top 5 signs your at a bad fast food takeaway (10/3/05)

5 – Your Quarter Pounder has a long thin tail

4 – If you thought the quarter pounder was bad you should see the cheese burger

3 – You spill the coffee and it burns a whole right through your leg

2 – In his photo the employee of the month is holding a mug shot number

1 – They’ll give anyone a job, even you

Bad Blogger

Ive been an absolute disaster in updating this thing, I promise it wont happen again ;). Im going to be lashing up and the Late N' Live Top 5s in the next half hour, so stick back soon!