The one on a Thursday

First off, well done to KC for getting nominated for a Meteor. Get your fingers over here and vote! Be wide of his hairy puss though!!

Its been one of those weeks where the remains of sickness still hang in the air, but by all accounts and according to my insides, all is well.

If you were listening to the show last night, in between everything, Eimear won the lotto. Pity the ticket was for Saturdays draw, as opposed to last nights number selection. And contrary to popular belief I wouldnt have played a few songs and killed her, if she really won. I would have only grabbed the ticket, signed my name on it and finished the show before going to Dublin this morning to collect my 5 mill! Whats five million among collegues??? Not that 5 mill will get you much these days. Veyron 1.7 mill, Decent gaff 2 mill and the rest of the money will be used to fuel the Bugatti. Not much value for lotto winners these days!

On another note, we will be hosting a Cork Talks Back Nice Wan Bash in the run up to Xmas. Its just a little bash for X amount of listeners in a particular location in Cork. I'll also be doing a Too Close and Personal Q&A session, just for a bit of craic. There will also be a weekend away up for grabs on the night in question as well. So keep listening as I'll be looking to dish out invites in the next week or 2.

Anyway, thats it for another lame hole blog update. The normality shall resume hopefully in the next few days. Anne Sexton and Sexually Speaking tonight, my rough guide to whats hot and not in NYC for those of you heading over for some Xmas shopping. The last weekend break up for grabs, compliments of Eddie Rockets and one more pair of tickets for Duran Duran @ Live at the Marquee.

Until 9pm!!!!

The one with Kildare and more besides

Im still alive (I heard that). Yesterday morning I woke up knowing something wasnt right. A funny pain in the stomach and a few shits later I went back to bed. I fell asleep and woke up again an hour later and went through the same carry on. I eventually got up and fired off a few emails and then I started puking and puking and puking. The only thing was, I had nothing in the stomach. For those of you into puking, you'll know this is the worse type. Im still sore this morning after it! All I could do was stay in bed and I've never slept so much in my life. Whatever it was, it knocked me out like Tyson.

Besides that, we took a trip up to that Kildare outlet villiage on Saturday. Granted we didnt get there till around 3.30, the place was simple to find. Exit 13 off the motorway. Check the photos down the page somewhere. Its a nice spot. Wonderfully clean. Theres a few of the chelsea tractor crew wandering around buying coffee makers for €1000 but you get over that. If your the hungry type, then forget about it. No fast food gaffs anywhere. Theres 1 italian restaurant (not bad, the pasta was freshly made) and a starbucks. So be prepared to queue. Either way, the whole thing was a nice oul day trip. There was no arguing about directions and plenty of jokes about the Sat Nav not having a bells notion about where it was.

The one with barely anything

Still looking for a chance to finish Assassins Creed, heres hoping yanking out the second controller will sort it out!

My early Xmas pressie to myself, the ipod touch is the absoulte dogs bollocks. Besides the obvious musical advantages, the ability to have a dump and be looking at myself on youtube is again even more of the dogs bollocks. I also spent a portion of toilet time buying a few toons for Light later on with the wifi itunes yoke. As Darth Vader would say...Impressive!

Less likely to be impressive is the rest of this blog update...........

The one with a little more than yesterday....

• More chances to win tickets for The Fun Lovin' Criminals in The Savoy next Thursday night.
• Anne Sexton with sexually speaking
• All the usual stuff
• Tickets for the winefair
• ipod touch arrived...oh hang on....well that'll explain the shit update....

The one with nothing...again

What can I say! Nothing really! Tomorrow!!!!!!! Tomorrow!!!!!

The one with absolutely nothing!

Yup. Nothing here. Nathing at all.

Token funny post

Proper update on the way by tomorrow at the latest.

Been busy with this....

The one with breastfeeding and monkey business

In light of last nights carry on....if your easily offended the second pic wont exactly make you the happiest chappy or chappette!

The one with who knows

As of this moment in time, my flu is in the departures lounge waiting to go! As is the norm with air travel, expect a few delays. So as it stands the flight isnt due to take off for another 24 hours, but at least while Im waiting I can swan around the various shops in the airport before I say my goodbyes. Christ, just reading what I've written makes me want to check the ingridents on what I've been taking.
In other news, last night I was had. Caught out. Spoofed. Whatever way you want to call it, I got done! If you were listening to the show last night you may recall a guy with a thick Dublin accent on about taking a shot of his mothers knocker for a feed. At the time, I felt it was a wind up but I left it in and didnt dump it. He was swiftly removed off the air and this morning I woke up to a voicemail with said caller on my 171. Very quickly, which is a miracle for me in early morning I decided it was KC from the Rooster. Not only had he spoofed Eimear, he done me as well. If truth be told, I laughed out loud at the call last night (off air) and Im laughing at it now. Either way, payback is a terrible thing. Let the games begin!!!!

The one with sickness...

I still have the flu but it seems to be leaving me and going off on holidays for a while. So I shall be back on air tonight!

That is all. Move along!!!!

The one with NCTs of sorts

About a week ago the "dreaded" your due for an NCT letter crashed through the letter box! This was the first NCT for the new bus, which didnt expire until the end of the year but I decided to get it out of the way. I NCT'd another car many moons ago, but nothing prepared me for yesterday. I got the headlights refocused, got some fuel cleaner, washed and hoovered the car. I arrived with plenty of time, paid and was told to go to the waiting room. Upon entering a largish room, with all the hapless wagons being fully visibile as they go through the ropes I suddenly though I was ina funeral home. Never, and I mean never have I come across so many long faces. There must have been about 10 people if not more in there, all who looked like they've been told the world was coming to an end. Fearing the world WAS coming to an end I started checking the various news services on the internet through the phone. I was thinking about how I'd sort out my will, but I soon discovered that there was no asteroids inbound, no alien invasion or an army of chimps about to end civilisation as we know it. The only saving grace in that waiting room was an toddler who was oblivious to what was going on and played away with a selection of some brightly coloured blocks or what not. But even with that, the poor crater recieved darting looks from most of the waitees. As if to say "Listen pants shitter, we're not happy and you better cool down with the happy vibes before we dance the fandango up and down on your state provided toys"

Things started to get even worse. When people were called for their results they didnt immediately jump up. They slowly looked up and repeated their name, pointed at themselves and then made the long walk of death to the guy with the NCT results. Thankfully, my car passed and I went on my way, leaving behind a room of madness. I think the nice folks at the NCT centers around the country should now start looking at employing dancing clowns. Maybe a bouncy castle or some blow up Sumo suits.

Im in Club Light in Mallow tonight, doors 11.30 pop in and say hi!!!!!

The one with jokes...if easily offended...dont bother reading

HEAD UP - SOME OF THE FOLLOWING, IF NOT ALL WILL MAKE ALOT OF YOU LAUGH. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED THEN...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

Winners of Jason Byrne tickets
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As the festive season approaches please remember that a doggie isn t just for christmas........ it s a fuckin good position all year round! !

A man says to his wife get ready, you, me & the dog are going fishing. Wife says I don't want 2 go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, blow job or take itup the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she says this tastes like shit. Man says I know the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
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A small selection of others from the truck loads of entries. Unfortunately the way our text machine formats certain texts, I cant just copy and paste them.

Theses this man who drinks beer at a local every night. One night he came in and had nothing to drink. The barman was curious and asked him why he was ntdrinking. The man replied i dont drink anymore last night i blew chunks. Oh thats nothing the bar man replies everyone gets a little pick after drinkingat times. No no the man replies you dont understand chunks is my dog.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree.......hold onto your nuts this aint no ordinary blowjob

Woman goes 2 hospital for a fanny tuck . Next day in recovery cards arrive .1st card from the kids wishin her well. 2nd from the hubby givin her his undyin love . Last card from johnny in the burns ward and reads thanks 4 the new ears

A teacher asks her pupils if any of them knew how god takes people to heaven. 1st boy says by the hands miss , 2nd boy says no miss it s by the sholders . 3rd lad says it s by the legs miss and i have proof cause last night i was passin me ma s room nd she had her legs in the air screamin, oh god, i m coming jesus, and sur only for me da being on top of her to hold her down she d be gone.

A priest kept chickens at his village parish, one evening the cock went missing. At mass the priest asked "who has a cock?" all the men got up. "no i meant who has seen a cock" all the women got up."no no who has seen a cock that isnt their s" half the women got up. "oh for goodness sake who s seen my cock? All the choir boys got up !

Definition of alchol free beer= its like goin down on ur sister - tasts the same but u know its just not right

A cat falls in a pool a rooster laughs.moral of the story:a wet pussy makes a cock feel good.

Snow White has been chucked out of Disneyland. She was reported to have pulled up her skirt, sat on pinochio s face and shouted, lie bastard lie.

A willy says 2 his testicles,rite lads get ready an ill take u out 4 a party,da testicles replay"no way,u always go n nd we r left outside knocking

A woman asks her farmer husband for new shoes, ' your not getting them he tells her'lying in bed that nite he puts his hand on her fanny,.. she shoveshis hand away and replies, ' if you cant shoe the horse, your not fucking riding it'

Man & wife in bed & he farts and shouts "GOAL!" Then his wife farts and says "1 all", he then makes it 2-1 she then makes it 2-2, he then proceeds to squeeze a last one out & shits the bed! His wife says "what the hell was that?" the man replies "half time - swap sides!"

The best engine in the world is the fanny. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger and every 4 weeks does it s own oil change....... It s just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental !!!

Think ur having a Bad Day? Imagine this: Ur a siamese twin joined @ the hip. Ur brother is gay & ur not.His lover is coming over & u only have one arse.

Two residents in a retirement home had the hots for eachother and decided to go further. The old lady asks so what s your favorite? oral said the oldman. So the lady told the man to go first. The old man enthusiastically goes down and up quickly. that was horrible, he exclaimed. The old woman appoligised sorry. I have arthris . you can t get arthris down there! sed the old man. no giggled the old lady, i ve got it in my arms so i can t wipe myarse!

I've decided 2 buy a race horse & call it MY FACE. Just imagine it coming down the home straight & all the ladies shouting come on MY FACE.... From daniel

The one with Polar bears.....drowning..maybe

I've always believed in being upfront and honest on the radio. Audiences are more clever than you think and can hear through bullshit a mile off. Last night, I gave my humble opinion on global warming. It recieved a huge response with alot of people saying I was right.

We have, like most of you, recycling wheelie bin as well as a normal waste bin. I recycle as much rubbish as possible but from time to time, something that should end up in the recycling bin will end up in the waste bin. It probably would end up in the recycling if I could be bothered washing whatever it is out. The TV is always on standby. The computer is always on. Phone chargers are nearly always left on. The fridge door is left open until it starts beeping, and then its left to beep. Its too much effort to open and close it every 10 seconds when your unloading aload of shopping. Its not too much effort to plug the tv out, but I dont like doing that. Same with the computers, xbox and various other electrical items. At the same time I do my bit, which is where the recycling comes in. Alot of people say they do their bit, but dont actually know what they've done. I'd be one of those. And to be honest, I dont really care.

As one texter last night pointed out, saying I hit the nail on the head and we all do our bit. But do we actually care? Personally, Im not too bothered. It'll be or kids problems or there kids problem! I plan on having brainy kids (looks like Im making a good start). I'll be long gone. Does anybody think that 50 years ago they were worried about what the future would hold for peoples kids. Did they shit! They were too busy building nukes, microwaves and flying cars. So, we've all had to deal with whatever kinda crap has emerged from the last few generations and the next batch of kids will have to do the same. There is a huge amount of people on the planet doing their bit and its making little difference. Maybe the whole thing, as many have said is a natural occurence.

I wont be shedding any tears for a polar bear that has to swim and extra hour to get a feed. I mean, have people seen the traffic these days going into drive thrus. Exactly! The polar bears will have to suck it up!!!!! Saving the enviornment has never and will never be at the top of my thoughts. That might seem sad to some, but as mentioned we have a recycling bin, which gets collected every fortnight full of lovely pieces of cardboard and other delights. So thats my take on the whole thing. Im not too bothered.

No doubt if in a few years time, if theres 20 feet of water outside the front door and a few hungry polar bears, I'll do the honorable thing. I'll shoot one and feed it to the others. Then when they have that one eat and are hurling themselves through the windows, in a double glazing breaking hungerours rage, Ill start plugging out the TV.

The one with lawnmowers

Those of you who are idiots with all things mechanical, like me, will appreciate the following. I had all plans for Sunday being one of those lazy, lazy days. You know the ones, breakfast at 2, vedge out in front of the tv and crawl into work at around 8. Well, no breakfast at 2, very little tv but I did manage to crawl into work around. After what counts as one of my most embarassing moments of the year, if not the last few years. Ger had kept hinting at cutting the grass so to keep the peace I dragged out the lawnmower and mowed my way through the jungle. After finding my way out of an amazonian like garden and discovering a few new species living the back garden I thought it best to clean the lawnmower. While this cleaning was going on, the clutc cable managed to unattach itself to the "dead mans hand". Using my mechanical know how I checked the other cable which was attached with a hook like device onto the self drive handle. I spent the next hour searching the garden for this hook like yoke, which I was convinced had shot off into orbit and had crash landed nearby. I eventually gave up and put my jungle clearer back in the shed.

It annoyed the arse out of me as the lawnmower is only a couple of months old, so on Sunday morning I rang the nice people at Woodies. They were quick to inform me to bring back the lawnmower and they'd check it out. So, the grass covered lawnmower was put into the lawnmower carrying machine and we ended up in Woodies. Minutes later I was wheeling the beast through Woodies leaving a nice little trail of grass in my wake. More minutes passed as I stood at the customer service desk. I heard "thats yer man from RedFM" in the background, which further added to the embarassment. Finally a manger arrived, took a look and after me swearing that the hook had disappeared, he said he didnt think there was any hook at all. He then decided to bring me and the lawnmower down to the very end of the store where a display model was lying in wait. A quick inspection, left me feeling like a passenger on the Titanic as it was going down. He was right, there was no hook. The clutch cable had just fallen out of the handle and needed to be reattached. He completed this task within a nanosecond. I made some small talk, which involved the use of the F word on numerous occasions and I started the long journey back to the car. A small child nearly got run over in the store by my jungle clearer, but in fairness his parents shouldnt have been letting him run around the place. Subtely the manager let me out the fire exit and that was it. All I could do was laugh. For years Ive been watching the Teutuls build motorbikes on American Chopper. Ive also taken in years of American Hot Rod and various other car and bike shows. You'd have thought that this would have had some mechanical influence on me and I would have been able to solve said problem with the mower. Well, its a lawnmower, not a car.......or a bike! Thats my excuse and Im sticking to it. I may also be an idiot!!!!

The one with one of the more bizarre things you'll read today....possibly

Over the years, in life in general Ive been involved in a few bizarre situations but none more demented than what happend on Tuesday night. The show started as normal and got off to a rockingly good start about the provisional licence fiasco. Around 10:25, acting producer, Nuala came into the on air studio in a bit of a tizzy. Someone had got into the station by telling someone who was leaving, that they were there to see me and magician Keith Barry. I didnt think much of this, but at the same time something obviously didnt sound right. For a start Keith Barry hasnt been on the show in some time. I decided to throw on a scheduled track and wander outside with Nuala. At this stage, the said individual had disappeared into the ladies. After a long wait, she finally arrived out and I was introduced to her. I had no idea who she was and she keep insisting she was here to meet Keith Barry. When she was told Keith wasnt on the show she said that was alright and she'd wait for him. Again we asked her to leave, but no joy. Upon telling her that we would have to call security, she said that was fine and call security. A long 20 odd minutes rolled by until the Gardai arrived and eventually managed to get, what we later discovered was an escaped psychiatric patient into the back of the paddy wagon. During this 20 minutes I tried to keep the conversation going as did Nuala. It was a very unpredictable situation but thankfully it ended with no trouble and nobody got hacked up or anything. I kid you not, this is true. That was the reason a section of Cork Talks Back sounded like a six hit mix!
By the time it was all said and done we were a wee bit shaken but thankfully not stirred!

Thats it for today kiddy winks!